Vegan!

I've decided to go vegan for the month of June.

Windows

All my life I have heard the saying, "When one window closes, another one opens." I believe that. But I also believe that it is up to the person to open the window, to make opportunities for yourself. Over the last couple of months I have really been thinking about my life, the choices that I have made, where I am, where I'm going. I know that I am no where I need to be, and worst, I'm no where I thought I would be at 31. Sleeping on on an airbed on my mother's porch, penniless is not where I envisioned myself when I graduated from college at 21. I would have never thought I would be working with the scum of the earth as a social worker. At 21, I knew that at 31, I would be living in a foreign country acting or working in the entertainment field, partnered with some cute, funny, strong German. But here I am. STILL in Philly, very single, very broke, and very unsatisfied with life. That's when the window opens. If everything was perfect, and I was totally satisfied with life, I would be happy, yes, but would have little to battle for. Weight is an issue that has dominated so much of my life, so I decided to look into weight loss surgery. I'm so ashamed to admit that. I'm so out of control that I need part of my stomach taken away. I called my insurance company...Of course it not covered, even if a doctor deems it "medical necessary." My third rate employer's plan does not cover it. So that means I got to buckle down and do this. Since I'm not having the surgery now, I can change jobs. If I was going to have the surgery, I couldn't start a new job and be like "see ya, going to have my stomach stapled!" I'm going to see the positive, and open the window. But I sure hope my blessing is on its way.

Eating (or not) out of Both Sides of My Mouth

ME: "K and B go to the story and get me some ruby red grape fruit juice." Awwwwww man I want something sweet, but I won't, yeah, no yeah, no. Sigh."
K and B: Well, do you want me get you cookies, a Hershey's bar, a Tastycake."
ME: "NO!!!!, I'm trying NOT to eat those things, GOSH!"
K and B: "Ok, dang. I just figured you would want a cake like last night."
ME: walking away looking stupid...

An open letter

Dear Clients,

Over the last couple of months, years for some of you, we have become quite familiar with each other. I know not to come when your favorite "story" is on, you know that I'm probably going to be twenty minutes late; we know each other, we're cool. But I'm starting to think that you're taking advantage of our relationship. Even though we're "cool," we're not cool enough for you to open the door with just your draws on. Your shit stained draws at that. I've seen nipples, tips of dicks, a ball, top of titties stretch marks, and more asses with cellulite than I imagined that I would see when I signed up for this job. If I ring the door bell, I'm ok with waiting for as long as it takes for you to put some clothes on. I'm a social worker, not a doctor, so please, please, come dressed when I come to the door.

Thanks for your cooperation,

chkfishandpigs

Just a few notes from record review

Mother brought child C to ...University Hospital ER alleging that the child had been sexually assaulted. A CPS report was received alleging that child C was sexually and physically abused by PAU (paternal aunt,) and PAU husband. The report was substantiated. Child's hair has been cut short, like a young male child, and has scabs around her mouth. There are dark skid marks on her stomach and thigh area, along with open sores on her legs.

After examination at ....University Hospital, the attending physician determined that the child may have genital herpes. Due to mother having outstanding bench warrants, mother was arrested at emergency court hearing. Immediate medical follow up to take place in the foster home. Mother has a record of prostitution, drug possession, and intent to distribute. Mother, 24, has three children, Child A adopted, Child B with relatives out of state. Mother gave birth to child A at twelve years of age. MAU held child down while her husband assaulted her. Child stated that MAU cut her hair cause she was "bad."

This is the social summary that I read during foster care's quarterly record review. Record review always sucks because I have to pour over files to make sure that the material that should be in the record is there. I usually just fly through the file, but I read this record because how this child came into foster care is so tragic. I first met her in 2006 when I was having a Christmas/Birthday party for a client of mine (his foster parent, now his adoptive parent, does not celebrate holidays.) She was at the crisis nursery, scared and torn away from her family. The thing that most adults don't understand that for most kids, it does not matter what type of abuse they suffered at the hands (or foot, or penis, or legs,) of their caregivers, they still love them and long for them. She came to my little corny party, malnourished with scales in her scalp and peach fuzz on her head. After eating pizza and playing with some toys, she begin to warm to me and let me play with her. By time the party was over, she was playing and laughing like that other kids, all of which had been abandoned by their parents someway. As a sat there looking at them, I thought about how resilient and courageous they were. My mother did not leave me in a crack house as an infant, my mother was not in jail, and I am not a three year with freakin herpes who contracted it from my mother's john! These are these children's stories...all under the age of five! I always think that having a party or buying candy for these kids is a cure all, or it will make their lives easier in someway. I'm just trying to ease the pain a little. Even if it's with a bag of skittles.

Damm, it was really that bad

Today I picked up my transcripts from the college that i graduated from. shit. i had no idea that it was that bad. i mean i knew that i graduated with a sucky 2.6 gpa (yeah, with a major in theatre no less,) but i had no idea that i SUCKED at almost every class, for basically my college career. i opened the transcripts when i got in my car, and i was shocked. i mean the thing is i did not even take any hard classes. ubran topics 101 anyone? yeah there is the math (failed twice before passing it with an A no doubt - very strange) and the bullshit science classes, but a C- in art history - come on Kristin! I sat in my car upset, angry and disappointed that i did not take my undergraduate education more seriously. i thought back to the time that i was in school. what did i do? i was not a party animal, had no drug habit, i did not have to work, and to top it off my parents payed for my education, so what the fuck? My sister in law and father died the last year i was in school, and my niece and nephew came to live with us, but still. the only thing i remember about college was being incredibly insecure and amazed at all the different people and lifestyles that i came in contact with on campus. and that i had to get a college education no matter what. it was really more of an experience than education. maybe that's what i will tell any graduate school that i apply to...think they will buy it? i don't either. sigh. i'm most upset with myself because my parents payed for school, well except for that summer session ("i'm not paying for classes that you failed during the year!" my mother said to my after my second F in spanish.) my mom and dad worked so hard so i would not have to worry about paying for college. i wish i could do it all over again, but i can't. i've got to move forward. but who on earth is going to accept an idiot theatre major that failed spanish TWICE, logic once, got a C- in speech for the actor (i was always late, it started at 8:10am) i could go on and on, but i won't. i was depressed for the rest of the day, and after an after work nap, i've decided that i've got to move on and make the best of what was...i mean is...i mean what's coming up. yeah, what's coming up. the best thing is that i understand that i'm in control of my own fate. i mean i could decide to stay lazy and keeping working in a field that i hate, but i'm comfortable with and is good at, or i can make "the plunge" into the field that i know i would great at, but have little experience. or i could play it safe, let go of my dreams, and become a nurse. making that decision now. the thing is, once i make it, i want it to be final. no whining. "oh i wanted to work in television, but.." i don't want to do that. i'm giving myself a month to decide. i'm tired of being broke (social work don't pay shit,) and i'm not getting any younger... so that's it. i'm going to really have to be creative in terms of showing any potential graduate schools that i'm not a dumb dumb, that's going to be hard, but oh well. who ever said life (or happiness) was easy.

I post in my head people, I post in my head

A friend asked me sometime ago why I don't post more. It's a combination of laziness and posting in my head. Today I wrote a little ditty (in my head of course) about the idiot girl that waited right until the bus pulled to get her transpass out, therefore holding up the line. I guess talking on the phone distracted her. I also spend a lot of time reading other people's blogs. Life in an European country is so much more interesting than being a social worker. Who wants to read my stories about a little white girl living with a black foster family (yeah, she can dance too!) Or my stories about a client telling me that the crystal meth that showed up in system was actually Benadryl. (For the record, I just shook my head and said ok, you ever tried reasoning with a meth user?) Or about... Anyway, I am resolving to write more here. I don't even need to create characters, I work with them everyday.

ok this is the breaking point

i'm sitting in my office, with my parka on cause its cold in here, watching soundless video (my computer does not have a soundcard) on my 10 inch monitor. this is the straw that broke the camel's back...i'm getting out of here.