here i go with my ways

well to day i got a root canal. im serious about my teeth, so i have no idea, wait i actually do have an idea of why i had to have a rc. i've gotten pretty lax about brushing at night. sometimes i just give my teeth a rub down with a sleep shirt, which is usually last summer's tee shirt. i actually was not all that bad; i was super numb and my denist was cool. great bedside manner. of course it was 800 dollars, and who knows how much insurance will pay for it. not to mention that 1200 dollar cap i got to get. all the while two bills sit on the table waiting to be mailed......keep waiting state farm and aes. my face is still a bit swollen, im icing it like he said to. he asked my some questions about caring for his elderly father. i was taken aback because he was serious about his questions to me. like he stopped an talked to me like i knew what i was talking about, which i did, my damm he didn't do the "your a fat black bitch" routine. instead of asking me, "do you have a job?" he said "what do you do for a living?" unusual. very. see its the little things like that, little subtle things, that is racism to me.

oh JB!

Ahhh, another day. the same ol shit. i'm so lazy. want to lose weight, but can't. i need a will power pill. the fucked up thing is i totally need to lose weight, and i know it (finally,) but i can't seem to do it. start/stop/start/stop/start...........sigh. the only good ray of hope that is that i know that i have a serious problem. oh shit. i never said that before. serious problem. fuck. and here i just thought i had a problem. i'm actually regressing on alot of fronts. i was doing good money wise for a while, but right now i have 440 dollars in my checking and gotta pay bills with that. oh wait. went shopping today. (i have no clothes, none of them fit -- 26 too tight, 28 too tight, but that's all lane bryant goes to -- refuse to wear old ulgy clothes from the Avenue. ashley steward clothes, stylish, but too tight -- remember, can't fit into 26s) sigh. so anyway i have about 335 in my bank account, and i gotta pay insurance, storage, and student loans. i have 107 in savings. baby girl's birthday is coming up june 2nd, and she wants an ipod. oh shit. fuck. i gotta go to the doctor's wednesday night and friday morning. that will be 80 dollars. fuck. breathe, breathe, breathe. i keep telling myself that i am going to "get it together" but shit when! i'm even sick of me. i'm even sick of me. i keep waiting for that great motivator, that great "kick in the butt," that is going to get me going, but so far it has not come. maybe i need to be the "kick in the butt" but that sounds all great and shit, but so far it has not happened. my life is wasting away. but there's always tomorrow to offer a fresh start.right?